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So, sure, that person you married all those years ago still has the capacity to surprise you with crazy new positions in bed -- but typically they're yogi-like contortions they use to pick dead skin off the bottoms of their feet...more You Flooze, You Lose There are those special people you meet who end up changing your life -- though ideally not from happily married person to lonely middle-aged divorcee living in a mildewy studio... Sometimes it takes a while to let go, but sometimes you're so ready that you'd chase the person off your porch with a shotgun (if you had a porch or a shotgun and weren't afraid of doing time on a weapons charge)..." more Sofa's Choice If your husband's starting to see definition in his legs, it shouldn't be from rolling over and falling asleep on the remote...

" more Charles (Darwin) In Charge It isn't so bad being a salmon.

I hear this weird, unearthly growling in the basement," and their friend would say, "Yeah, whatever" and keep playing chess, and the monster would cry itself to sleep off camera...

more Guess Pains Science has yet to figure out a number of life's mysteries -- questions like: "What came before the big bang? " and "If we're such an advanced civilization, what's with short-sleeved leather jackets? more Mommy Dreariest Sure, your kids still need you, but mainly to drive them places and then (ideally) be kidnapped by Mexican drug cartel members, only to be miraculously released just when they need a ride home...

more Head Over Heals Your approach to a breakup is like having your dog die and then, instead of burying it, having it taxidermied and taking it out for "walks" in a little red wagon...

more Venus Envy Inner beauty, unfortunately, only turns heads of people with X-ray vision: "Excuse me, miss, but has anyone ever told you that you have a very pretty appendix? more Alice In Wanderland Reality has this bad habit of being kind of a bummer.

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