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I know that some people just don’t like being touched, but even the huggiest and kissiest of us do a fair bit of involuntary sphincter scrunching when someone else’s hands take us outside our comfort zone.

And I’m always amazed by the number of guys who wouldn’t dream of grabbing a woman’s arse at a garden centre but think it’s OK in a club. Is she sticking it out whilst wiggling it and winking at you? Don’t be light and strokey and sinister or she’ll think you’re a Tim Burton animation masquerading as a human being.

And amazingly, she’s popped up at your local with her mates. Whether it’s serendipity or a nice prezzie from the patron saint of Not Stalking (not that women can be given as gifts, that’s objectification, innit?! There is no scale where a bitter shandy gets you a hand shandy and Bollinger buys you bum sex.

I know that everyone from 50 Cent to JLS has sung about the interesting stuff that goes down at “the club” but as far as I know, Fiddy didn’t say “she hit the floor, she’s looking fly / so normal assault laws don’t apply.” If you want to touch someone’s bum, stop and think. If you can answer yes to all these questions, you can get stuck into buttock. Don’t be so hard and squeezy that she’ll worry you’re about to snatch her away and throw her in the back of a van.

So where can you touch a woman when you want to get to know her better? This is not a foolproof way of pulling - but a woman who responds positively to your hand on her arm is much more likely to invite you to put it on her bottom.4.

You get a same gender sibling, and take it in turns to gently place a hand on the other person’s arm, face, knee or thigh.

When the person being touched screams “arghhhhhhhh” and runs away to bathe in bleach, the toucher has won.

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