She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.""My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night it was to time an egg.""With girls, I don't think right.
Why, every time I shut the window, I hurt somebody's fingers.""I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.""I had plenty of pimples as a kid. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.""In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.""I came from a real tough neighborhood. from moving cars.""I came from a real tough neighborhood. I knew he wasn't a professional; the knife had butter on it.""My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.""My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.""My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.""I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.""My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.""One time my whole family played hide and seek. ' He told me to run off a cliff." "My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles.
So he nailed my other foot to the floor.""When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, ' I'm very sorry. But he pulled through.'""I come from a stupid family.
Rodney Dangerfield had captured the minds of his audience with his ribald, in-your-face humor. a tow truck.""I have three kids, one of each.""I have nothing but troubles with my car. '""What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.""Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor.
In the local restaurant, I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.""I came from a real tough neighborhood. I asked him, ' How can I get my kite in the air?when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.""I get no respect. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.""I drink too much.The way my luck is running, if I was a politician, I would be honest.""I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.""I had a good time last week. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it! The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.""This morning, when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys laughing at me.""My wife has to be the worst cook.Her specialty is indigestion.""One day as I came home early from work... I said to the guy, ' Hey buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, ' Because you came home early.'""My wife made me join a bridge club.