Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to be that honest with myself.Long story short (too late), she left for the summer that year and then dumped me one week before she came back over the phone. I take each day as it comes, and try to get through it. I have resigned myself to the fact that we will not be together, though the thought still pisses me off to the point of hitting my keyboard. I am bitter, and still angry even if I do not show it. My mind goes into defensive mode, I think about friends, about my morals, about how I’m a good person, how I can treat others. It all feels like empty shouts, after a verdict has already been read. I may not hurt as much as I did in the past, but I cannot exactly call the last three years happy. What’s the second thing that could make you enjoy the holiday season again. I will NOT have kids without being married…and marriage just is not in the cards for me any longer. It may feel good to say I told you so, but once the hurt wears off, they usually leave again. You’re at a job way below your skill level and reflect the financial pay as a result. How much can you spend just on basic movie or even cheap, but creative dates? “If she knocked on your door right now, what would she see? And for me it was never about being married, or being a father. Perhaps, this new therapist will help me alter that.Which is funny when you think about it, cause if it was that serious, wouldn’t they just screw me themselves? I wake with the knowledge that I’ll always be alone. It is insulting to me to be honest, that this is what we turned into. I wanted to get the perspective from a man’s point of view. We’ve said “I love you” and things were great during the first 3 months of the relationship. He started becoming paranoid and thinking that I was flirting with other guys, that I didn’t like him as much as he liked me, etc.
When we met, I didn’t have much feeling for her either way.
And she said that she would love to be friends if that could be possible. I lacked the experience back then to realize that the relationship didn’t have anything I really valued to begin with.
The truth is, that was the best way she could have possibly dumped me. And I lacked the perspective back then to see that regardless of what my ex was like during our relationship, it meant nothing about me or who I was as a person (although it may have meant something about my approach…) 🙂 My point in all of this is that her breaking up with me was painful, but it lead me to learn some valuable lessons.
This is how it will be no matter what.” What do I do with that?? I feel it’s not about Tina, though she is just the most recent example–the last example. I have asked that a thousands times, and still I have no answer. Valentines Day, fake holiday or not, had for many years been my favorite. Perhaps its the little cute cards we gave out in class when I was in elementary school, or how I would buy the carnations for girls in middle and high school, and they always were so happy all day, and gave me little kisses. I see it, or one of those inane Jared commercials, and I get a look in my eye. They say they can tell now when I have seen something, anything that has anything to do with romance and love. And I get annoyed with people who point out all the reasons I should be. I’d rather be trying some inane dish, Tina’s mom made that only I would be willing to try as the rest of the family looks at me like I’m nuts. I’m like that dog in the old saying, you know the one, where the dog is laying on a nail. So I guess I will polish off this wine, and watch another movie. I was there 4 hours, and spent 3 of it playing with the kids(my goddaughter and her two friends who followed her lead and latched on to me) it was great and also sad. The rational side of me, says you’re choosing to be that way. Even with friends or associates I’m still alone in the crowd. If she opened the door, what would you to do attract her to you? I have always felt if I became this HUGE success like, Mark Zuckerberg, people would say, “oh she fucked up,” but they would be saying that because of the huge financial success, but my viewpoint would be like, money or not it was a huge mistake anyway because of who I am, and what I did for her, and my love for her. I can’t even picture it.” “What I want you to focus on Joe is this.
All I get is an answer through the ether, “It wont matter what you do. lol It’s amazing how things in life can take an opposite turn. I cannot have that, at least I don’t know a single thing I can do to get it either. Maybe that is one reason the hooks are still in me? Its thanksgiving, and I’d rather like to be at the movies with my little buddies. Now I just accept that I feel the way I do, and if it makes me pathetic, silly, or weak sounding, I JUST DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE. last year for the first time…like ever I forgot it. So tonight in an effort to not forget because my own…issues, I went a little get together she had for her birthday. I mean really is it, cause it aint that way for her. If I was willing–no not willing, more like if I felt like being bothered with the process of meeting, dating, ad nasuem. I have met new people via friends that I could try to talk to, and in times when I felt like I will cause thats what I’m suppossed to do, “go meet people and start again,” I cant have a decent conversation. They were words I had used at times myself, so hardly a revelation. “Are you the man you want to be right now.” Easy answer, “No.” “Is that her fault? BUT, are you the guy that was going to be the best husband she ever had? I knew what he was driving at, it had in some ways been mentioned to me before by one therapist and friends. I’d have to let go of a lot that I feel justified in not letting go.