Looking back, I hated myself too much to be able to give anybody else anything but hate.Before you enter a relationship, you need to be able to give yourself what you want to give another.I wasn’t desperate on OKCupid the way I’d been with Forrest.I was opening myself up to new situations and I wasn’t going to throw myself at every guy who contacted me. I’d lost around 40 pounds since I’d admitted my feelings to Forrest.
And one of those conversations turned into how I met my husband. To stop worrying about others, I needed to start focusing on myself. I tried to lose weight because I thought that’s what society wanted.He also admitted that he didn’t return my feelings. Now I realize that refusing to address my feelings was already my answer. With Mike, I was too self-conscious to know my worth.With Forrest, I was too desperate to understand his subtle rejection. I didn’t pursue a romantic relationship for nearly two years. Yet heartbreak was what I needed to build the foundation of my self-esteem. Heartbreak, starting college and becoming vegan helped me grow in confidence over the last two years.My crushes as an overweight girl started when I was in elementary school. It began as an odd acquaintanceship with Mike in my freshman year of high school. Though the compliments were strange, they were detail-oriented and weren’t backhanded. Another part of me said that he was just taunting me.He talked to me about odd topics, asking me unusual questions and giving me weird compliments. Mike was too thin, attractive and popular to like a fat girl like me.